Growing up in a shame-based, save-face black culture is tough!

We are often so hard on each other and I have never accepted it for myself. Don’t get me wrong, there is face-saving in other ethnic groups too but I can only speak my truth.

The base of shame is so deep that anything can embarrass us. Literally. Not because the thing of itself is embarrassing but because the people around us are cruel and harsh. Put downs are a dime a dozen but compliments are like gold.

We know it. In this world, you succeed at something but you might as well have failed because someone finds fault in it or compares it to one that was better. 🙄

We are ashamed of it all:
Our skin tone
Or hair texture
Our surname
Our address
Catching the bus
The school we attended (even if it is considered a top school).
Our hobby
Our qualifications
Our job or their business
Our fashion preference
Our partner

Our children
Our weight
Our dreams
Our process

We can be so merciless!

A young boy dreams of a life with a wife, children and a career where he can wear a bowtie, suspenders and have his own house. Imagine his 'family' and 'friends' actually make it their unpaid occupation to knock all of those dreams out one by one. Then the state puts the boy-turned-man behind bars for being a societal menace. But that same society’s shaming is what crushed him. We can be so merciless!

We can do better just by adjusting our words. By lifting each other up. By not being bad-mouthed and bad-minded. We can actually lift others up instead of making them feel like what the cat let out. Can I be real bothers and sisters? People spend their entire lives trying to avoid their parents' shame.

I didn’t know I was 'poor' until I went to a high ranking secondary school, Queen’s College, in my home Barbados. Somehow the achievement, although validating for my mom, was also devastating. I couldnt have friends over. The house was too small. It was old. What about the toilet? My mom decided that our home was an embarrassment. All the time I thought she was a proud home owner. That lady worked a day job, had her own business that she operated at nights and on weekends. She added a room to her house and bought the furniture that was in it. She didnt owe a soul. How were we poor?

As an adult I met up with this shame again.

• Got put out of my home by an evil step parent - shame.
• Had to live at people - shame.
• Got a supermarket job in vacation - shame.
• Rented for the first time - shame.
• Bad Boyfriend choices - shame.
• University Upper 2nd class hons - shame.
• Made mistakes - shame.
• Got fat - shame.
• Got a nose ring at Bible College - shame.
• House destroyed completely by fire - shame.
• Landed a controversial job - shame.
• Made more mistakes - shame.
• Lost back the weight - shame.
• Business had politician clients - shame.
• Bought a small, second hand car - shame.
• Had to leave the job - shame.
• Ran into financial difficulties - shame.
• Got out if them - shame.

On top of trauma and hardship, I also had to deal with enforced and institutionalized shame.

To be honest, no matter what you do in this cultural context, there is always someone to remind you that instead you could have done more, better, different, less or even the same. ☹

You can't win! IT IS LIKE TOTAL MADNESS.

No wonder survivors adopt a don’t-care attitude and just ignore the shame out of people. Write off people. Change their lifestyles and addresses and hang with different people. They have to. Why? All that shame is NOT normal. It is a remnant of the trans-atlantic slave trade. It is a chronic, community sickness and it can change.

We owe nothing to toxic, face-saving family who would allow us to be abused because their name or status is more important than our dignity. We have no obligation to people who hurt us and break us.

It is no wonder other people harm themselves. We just make it so difficult for people to just survive being around us. But I am happy to see that trend slowly change. People are choosing to not be dangerous, cynical, insulting or rude. They are creating a better black culture where being kind is the norm. Where 'you gained so much weight' is never said and where success is celebrated.

I am posting this with a photo of me in my branded business gear because QC girls can run farms, own business, be Chief Agriculture Officers or whatever they think fits them.

Yes I left communications to farm. I ain't shame. Trust me. I aint shame!

God made us all and He knows what He wants each of us to be. Don’t spend your whole life waiting for man’s approval to be unique. God already knows what you are going through. Your life is deserved to be lived with satisfaction, hope and joy. God wants that for you. So, go for it! You soooo deserve it.

The Lord Jesus offers no condemnation. He offers us love and life. He wants us to be who He made, not who others prefer. So do that. Less stress. Better life. No more shame.